The Jokes Thread....

[alex_farlie]

(Apologies if these aren't entirely politically correct)

How many Irish builders does it take for a job to go up the wall ?
None, because it's the English Architect that forget to indicate the drawings were in metric !!

A recently discovered African tribe has been taught how to play Cricket in England, Based on what
they've observed it's the most effective of rain-dance rituals according to their shaman!!

What did the Falklands Vetran say when he was given a grant by the National Lottery? Grazias Senor!

How many disabled workers does it take to make a cup of tea?
None, according to a Government spokesperson they only make coffee!




(I'm sure people here can come up with some others)

[Quork]

A military instructor, a firefighter instructor and a train driver instructor argue who has the most courageous students. The firefighter instructor calls one of his men, telling him to search a building at danger of imminent collapse for wounded. The young guy hesitates only a second, puts on his helmet and runs into the structure. "See how brave he is, how determined he is to put protection of other's life over his own?"
The military instructor calls one of his soldiers. "Private! Before mining the perimeter of that building there I forgot my coffee cup inside. Go get it!" he yells and the soldier salutes, running in the building's direction and straight into a mine. "See how brave he is? My men throw their life away when I order them to!"
The railway instructor is somewhat disgusted, but enters the game and calls one of his trainees. "Oy ya, go get me a cup of coffee!" he says to him. The young man raises his eyebrows critically. "Go get it yourself you lazy bugger!" he answers boldly and off he goes.
"See?!" the instructor says, beaming. "That is true audacity!"

[Drag0nflamez]

A German, a Dutchman and a Belgian get the death penalty. They get to choose execution methods. The German sabotages the electric chair, then gets in it but doesn't work, so he's free. The Dutchman notices that, and chooses the electric chair too. The Belgian doesn't use the electric chair because it's broken, and chooses the injection.

[alvinhochun]

Someone wants to have items produced by a factory, and only one faulty product in a thousand products is allowed.

A Chinese factory produces 1000 faulty products.

A German factory produces 999 working products and one faulty product.

A Japanese factory denied the job. It says that no technology in the country allows making the faulty product.

[Tstageman]

A German dwarf comes to London and stays in a hotel. The first night, he orders the hotel to arrange for a prostitute to visit his room. When the prostitute turns up, she sees how small he is and thinks 'Great, this is going to be easy cash!'

The dwarf attaches 4 springs, two to his arms and two to his legs...and they get down to it. The dwarf gives her the hardest most brutal sex he could ever manage. When they were finished, the prostitute rolls over and says 'how on earth did you manage that?!'...

The dwarf replies 'its my Vorsprung Dwarf Tecknik!'



I'll get my coat.....;-)

[Dexter]

A young lady, young man and an old creepy guy are sitting in a train compartment. The train enters into a tunnel and suddenly there's the young lady screaming:
"Get your hand off me!!!"
-
-
-
"No, not you!!!"

[graymac]

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[johnsinden]

Nice one.

Last year Alex Salmond, First Minister for Scotland, was invited to Her Majesty's annual Garden Party at Holyrood Palace in Edinburgh. After a while Mr Salmond manages to have a personal conversation with the Queen. "Well Ma'am", he says, "we're really pressing ahead with making Scotland independent. Trouble is, Ma'am, I can't think what to call Scotland when we've achieved this. What about a Dukedom?"

"Well", replies Her Majesty, "to be a Dukedom you have to have a Duke, and you don't"

"Ah", says Mr Salmond, "I see. What about a Principality then?"

"Well in theory that would be fine, except that a Principality has to be ruled by a Prince, which you don't have", replies the Queen.

"Hmm", says the Minister, "this is proving more difficult than I'd thought. Do you have any suggestions, Ma'am?"

"Yes", replies Her Majesty. "Why don't you call yourself a country."

[Dexter]

A practical video joke!

http://www.stream.cz/uservideo/216511-skryta-kamera-u-hrbitova-d

[Egg]

Good way of getting people to excercise, Derryck!
Or do I mean exorcise...

[sstockfan]

You should see a channel on youtube called PrankvsPrank. They're wicked.

[Quork]

There's a great polish pianist, Waldemar Malicki. He plays in a wonderful way, but he also makes many jokes. They're musical jokes, and as such, they are universal. I once showed two or three whole programmes with him to my ex, and although she doesn't understand a word in Polish, she got 80% of the jokes Here's an excerpt:



On the piano: Waldemar Malicki
Conductor: Bernard Chmielarz
The Philharmony of Humour

[Dexter]

When the student is way much smarter than the examiner...

see here

[graymac]

Seen 'em all in a book of Kerryman jokes!

Good answers, all the same.

[Dexter]

[kwijiboenator]

I warn you, this one is a trifle rude. Actually, no it's plain sordid. But it's very funny.

Man walks into a pet shop, and accidentally knocks into a parrot on it's perch. The parrot tell the man what he thinks of him, and the man realising the bird speaks fluently, engages in conversation.

After about half an hour, he says to the parrot:

"Well, I think I've made up my mind - but there's just one thing I want to know before I take you home with me - I've noticed you've got no legs, how do you stay attached to that perch?"

To which the parrot responded:
"Ah..I'm hanging on by my groin-stick".

Laughing, the man continues with his purchase.

Two months later, the man arrives home - and shuts his front door with a bit of bang, waking up the parrot.

"Oh you're home then!"
"Yeah - don't ask about today."
"I won't. Oh, by the way, the postman was here earlier"

Uninterested, the man responds: "Was he?"

"Yeah - your wife came down and opened the door"
The man looks over from where he's standing: "Oh yeah..."
"Yeah - and he came in - oh you should have seen it - she started rubbing her..."

By this point, the man had been gradually been moving closer and closer to the parrot, and is at this point face to face with the bird, he interrupts with his question, almost shouting the words: "What happened next, parrot?"

"I...I dunno. I got a stiffy and fell off my perch"

[Quork]

Well, that's the rule of... causality!



We'll better not speak about bird anatomy here, btw?

[graymac]

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